Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
