You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I could fuck to npr.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
