Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
