**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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