Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In America we eat man semen.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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