Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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