I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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