I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Watching her eat just hurts me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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