I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
