Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
