Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
