I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
