He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize