the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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