So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
