i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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