She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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