I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
