sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
