She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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