you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
