Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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