i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
