Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
