..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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