I wish I could teleport
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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