youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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