remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
