and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
