Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
