I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
