I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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