i think my mom watched the whole time
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
