you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
