I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
