this boner is exhausting
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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