Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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