Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
