O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My cat gives me a boner
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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