first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
