FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
