Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
