I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We got so high we made milksteak
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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