I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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