The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
