Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
