get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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