I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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