In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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