does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize