i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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