If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
