Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
