oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
