So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
zippers are such a cool invention
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
