Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
