All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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