I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
