My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
