Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
