but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
