Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize