I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
