cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
