Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
