can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
